In the years I dreamed of being pregnant I imagined that when I finally was I would take weekly belly shots, right down every symptom and experience and feel a sense of constant bliss, contentment, relief that I had finally made it, that finally there was a date on when I would meet my baby.
Reality is quite different and while i’m excited I also have way more fear than I expected. Not that i’m sitting around worrying regularly, it’s more a fear that’s small but constant. I usually feel calm and excited but there is still the ‘what if’ that stops me from relaxing too much or getting too excited . I feel a lot better than before the first scan. I know that the odds are really good for me to have a healthy baby but I guess it’s more that I never can know for sure, that makes me feel like I can’t truly be excited like i’d like to be. I’m sure as I get further along, even just past 12 weeks it will start feeling more and more certain that I really will have a baby but at the moment, although I have a connection to the the beautiful little bean that I know is there and I have a collection of little clothes that are far too big to fit that tiny little bean it still surprises me and I feel uncertain to think that this bean will grow into those clothes and be a real baby. I feel like i’m constantly thinking ‘hopefully’ and ‘probably’ and i’m hoping it’s not too much longer until I start believing that our bean will make it. I know it’s not going to be definite until i’m holding our healthy baby but I just wish I could be blissfully unaware of all the things that there is a small chance of going wrong so that I could fully enjoy this and just deal with what happens if it happens.
I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and it was bulk billed (free) which I wasn’t expecting. I’d been planning to buy or hire a heart beat doppler to ease my worrying but as I haven’t got most of my pays in since before Christmas moneys been focused on necessities (parents need to sign them and a few of the children were sick so didn’t come the last few days so i’ll get them but just very late!) I decided that seems I wasn’t expecting to have that extra money to use it for a doppler and as soon as I ordered it I felt relieved. To be honest our first scan wasn’t really as lovely as I expected. Friends asked if we teared up and got emotional. No. I was so scared and prepared for bad news that I was well out of the room before it sunk in that there was a healthy baby with a heart beat on the screen. For a few days I felt reassured that all was fine and then I went back to worrying that the little heart could have stopped beating and I wouldn’t know for weeks until the next scan. I feel really excited that I will be able to check regularly to reassure myself that all is fine. If something is going to go wrong I can’t change it but at least this way if all is fine I will know that and be able to relax more and enjoy the pregnancy more knowing that I have more recent confirmation that our baby is still ok. I feel a bit silly and paranoid to be quite as worried as I am but I guess that’s probably just what happens when you spend so many years wondering if you will ever be able to have a baby, it just takes a long time to sink in and feel real. It’s so hard to believe that I don’t think I truly do yet
In more positive news, I’ve been enjoying pregnancy yoga and meditations on you tube
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